The effects of cattle flatulence on the environment

Have you ever wondered about the results of the government study on the effects of cattle flatulence on the ozone layer and air quality? I wonder if they had an experimental and control group, with one eating normal feed and the control group eating grain with Beano in it. The results could be an environmentalist’s dream.

A study of human flatulence would be a more extensive study as there are more humans than cattle. One ethnic group could be more responsible than others due to their diets. We could then rank them according to the amount of gas each ethnic group contributes to the atmosphere and work with the gassiest groups in changing their diet or forbidding immigration from their native country.

I spent a year doing a study in Graduate School. I surveyed the literature, gave numerous tests and interviews, made graphs and finally came to a conclusion. My poor wife typed the rough draft on an old portable typewriter, using five bottles of White Out. The sad part is; I could have written the conclusion without the study in one weekend, as I knew the results before starting the study.

The government and universities spend a lot of time and money to study the obvious. The governments, local-state-and federal, use committees to conduct studies when they want to postpone making a decision or want to hide something from the public. Their conclusions don’t mean much as they have a stamp that says Classified and a black pen to hide anything negative. Classified is one of the most used words by politicians who don’t have a positive answer to a question and have something to hide from the voters.

When the filtered results of a study become available to the public, most people have forgotten what the investigation was about. The results are obvious and will be obsolete by the time they are quietly released. The media and public have short attention spans. Afghanistan is now a faint memory and Iraq is slowly fading into the sunset and already a blip on the radar screen of life. Most people could have given the results of the group investigating ways to balance the budget that will never be used as people expect government programs, but don’t want to pay for them. Heaven forbid cutting subsidies for the privileged corporations or taxes for the affluent.

The public should be more concerned about the information hidden from them than the information they are privileged to receive. Most investigations would be cheaper, quicker and more accurate if done by the crew from “60 minutes”

It is often advantageous to be one of the investigated. The few who are guilty may spend a few months in a country club facility, but end up with their own radio or TV show, make money writing books, or become lobbyists.

The three main characters in The Iran-Contra investigation did well after the investigation. One became a popular radio host, another has a job in the Pentagon, and the President had an airport named after him.

The Whitewater investigators found no major defendants guilty of anything illegal, but were able to publish a pornographic report that had nothing to do with the original accusations. One of the accused is receiving millions for writing a book and became a Senator. The other has a lucrative book deal and can make all the money he wants giving speeches.

Poor Richard Nixon had to resign over the Watergate investigation. Too bad he was secretly paranoid as I always considered him one of our more intelligent Presidents. Most of his cohorts did well for themselves. One of the more ruthless is now a popular radio talk show host.

There are thousands of other frivolous studies made by bureaucrats in government we seldom hear about. Back in the 70s and 80s Senator Proxmire published a monthly “Golden Fleece Award” for the most outrages waste in government. The following are a few studies the taxpayers paid for.

Ÿ His first Golden Fleece Award went to The National Science Foundation to study why people fall in love.

A Study to determine why inmates want to escape from prisonŸ

A Study of sexual activities of Japanese QuaiŸl

A Study of whether sunfish that drink tequila are more aggressive than those who drink gin

These and hundreds of other items called Pork, invisible to the public, are attached to most bills passed by congress. The Prescription Drug Bill is  shamefully loaded with Pork from both political parties.

I know these aren’t new revelation, but I’m still curious about the effects of cattle flatulence on the environment.


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